IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE 
     
   Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that  
   would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that  
   you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer  
   maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to: 
     
   PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU  
   UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED  
   IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND  
   NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO  
   YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD  
   ALSO IS FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK  
   THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW  
   THAT?!? 
     
   We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're  
   always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that  
   the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.  
   So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that  
   your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.  
   OK?  Now let's talk about: 
     
   1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE 
     
   The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,  
   who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes. 
     
   PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S  
   ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS  
   WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES. 
     
   Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of  
   engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering  
   backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a  
   bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the  
   question.  It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is  
   "Barker", if you get our drift. 
     
   WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF  
   THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS. 
     
   If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing  
   one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling  
   manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern  
   Europe. 
     
   Besides the device, the box should contain: 
     
   * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 
   * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets  
   and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 
     
   YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram  
   cable. 
     
   IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn to  
   your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a  
   car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King  
   without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's  
   why." 
     
   WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not  
   Pete. 
     
   2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE 
     
   The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the  
   electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing  
   effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current  
   to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,  
   then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device  
   is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of  
   Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate. 
     
   DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! 
     
   Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,  
   and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief. 
     
   WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A  
   SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR  
   EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY. 
     
   3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE 
     
   WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL  
   WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE  
   INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS  
   RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF  
   "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. 
     
   INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising  
   that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.  
   Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large  
   occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a  
   very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from  
   Drawing B. 
     
   4. WARRANTY 
     
   Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding  
   all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all  
   defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and  
   Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the  
   Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our  
   Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals  
   designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover  
   the attractive designer case. 
     
   WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER  
   HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE. 

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