WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
     
Plato:
    For the greater good.
     
Karl Marx:
    It was a historical inevitability.
     
Machiavelli:
    So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has 
    the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for 
    whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian 
    virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.
     
Hippocrates:
    Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.
     
Noam Chomsky:
    The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something
    like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year, had spent 82% 
    of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops 
    break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the 
    ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, 
    they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the 
    supermarket).
    Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get 
    a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see 
    chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms 
    commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks 
    (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster 
    Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ...(Chomsky 
    continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian 
    Press)
     
Thomas de Torquemada:
    Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.
     
Timothy Leary:
    Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it 
    take.
     
Douglas Adams:
    Forty-two.
     
Nietzsche:
    Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the 
    Road gazes also across you.
     
Oliver North:
    National Security was at stake.
     
Carl Jung:
    The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that 
    individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore 
    synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
     
Jean-Paul Sartre:
    In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it 
    necessary to cross the road.
     
Ludwig Wittgenstein:
    The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and 
    "road," and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization 
    of this potential occurrence.
     
Albert Einstein:
    Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken 
    depends upon your frame of reference.
     
Aristotle:
    To actualize its potential.
     
Buddha:
    If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
     
Salvador Dali:
    The Fish.
     
Darwin:
    It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
     
Emily Dickinson:
    Because it could not stop for death.
     
Epicurus:
    For fun.
     
Ralph Waldo Emerson:
    It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
     
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:
    The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
     
Ernest Hemingway:
    To die. In the rain.
     
Werner Heisenberg:
    We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was 
    moving very fast.
     
David Hume:
    Out of custom and habit.
     
Saddam Hussein:
    This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in 
    dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
     
Jack Nicholson:
    'Cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored) reason.
     
Pyrrho the Skeptic:
    What road?
     
Ronald Reagan:
    I forget.
     
John Sununu:
    The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite 
    understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
     
The Sphinx:
    You tell me.
     
Henry David Thoreau:
     
    To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.
     
Mark Twain:
    The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
     
Stephen Jay Gould:
    It is possible that there is a sociobiological explanation for it, 
    but we have been deluged in recent years with sociobiological stories
    despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics 
    of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific 
    behaviors that figure most prominently in sociobiological speculation.
     
Joseph Stalin:
    I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.
     
Malcolm X:

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