Outside a jeweller's shop:
        EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT

Outside an electrical store:
        WHY GO ELSEWHERE TO BE CHEATED WHEN YOU CAN COME IN HERE!

Sign in a laundromat:
        AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:  PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
        THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a dress shop window:
        DON'T STAND OUTSIDE AND FAINT - COME IN AND HAVE A FIT

Sign in a London department store:
        BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
        WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT
        BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

Outside a farm:
        HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG
                     20p DO-IT-YOURSELF

In the window of a dry cleaner's:
        SAME DAY DRY CLEANING - ALL GARMENTS READY IN 48 HOURS

Road sign:
        TURN RIGHT FOR THE FAIRY GLEN.  BEWARE OF HEAVY LORRIES

At the zoo:
        PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ELEPHANTS.  IF YOU HAVE ANY PEANUTS OR BUNS
        GIVE THEM TO THE KEEPER ON DUTY.

In an office:
        AFTER TEABREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN
        ON THE DRAINING BOARD

On a church door:
        'THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN.  ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR.'
        (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAUGHT.
         PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)

Outside a furniture shop:
        OUR MOTTO: WE PROMISE YOU THE LOWEST PRICES AND WORKMANSHIP

Sign in a German cafe:
        MOTHERS, PLEASE WASH YOUR HANS BEFORE EATING

Outside a secondhand shop:
        WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC.  WHY NOT
        BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

In a grocery shop:
        TRY OUR LOCAL BUTTER.  NOBODY CAN TOUCH IT

In a Chinese restaurant:
        IF YOU ARE SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS.  IF YOU ARE NOT
        SATISFACTORY PLEASE TELL THE WAITER

Outside a farm:
        CATTLE PLEASE CLOSE GATE

Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:
        THE TWON HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING.  IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER
        BEING OPENED.  OPEN TOMORROW

Outside a photographer's studio:
        OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO

Sign on a farm gate:
        DOGS FOUND WORRYING WILL BE SHOT

In a restaurant:
        CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITING STAFF RUDE SHOULD SEE THE MANAGER

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
        SLOW CATTLE CROSSING.  NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.

Outside a smart shop:
        NO CHILDREN ALOUD

Seen outside a travel agency:
        WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY?

Notice in a pet shop:
        BIRDS GOING CHEEP!

Outside a disco:
        SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN.  EVERYONE WELCOME

Sign in a picture shop:
        LET US PUT YOU IN THE PICTURE AND FRAME YOU

In an electrical shop:
        WHY SMASH YOUR PLATES WASHING UP?  LET ONE OF OUR DISHWASHERS DO IT
        FOR YOU

Sign at a garden fete:
        BABY SHOW.  ALL ENTRIES TO BE HANDED IN AT THE GATE

In a cafe window:
        WAITRESSES REQUIRED FOR BREAKFAST

Found in a butcher's shop:
        THESE SCALES ARE ACURATE NO TWO WEIGHS ABOUT IT

Seen in a shop selling calculators and computers:
        YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON US

Notice in restaurant:
        OUR CUTLERY IS NOT MEDICINE SO PLEASE DO NOT TAKE IT AFTER MEALS

Seen in an American department store at Christmas:
        VISIT SANTA'S GROTTO.  NO WAITING - WE'RE THE ONLY STORE IN NEW
        YORK WITH THREE SANTAS

Seen at an American undertaker's
        OSCAR'S FUNERAL PARLOUR - WHERE YOU'LL ALWAYS FIND A SMILE

Notice in a London park:
        NO WALKING, SITTING OR PLAYING ON THE GRASS IN THIS PLEASURE PARK

Seen in a Coventry Factory:
        ANY MEMBER OF STAFF WHO NEEDS TO TAKE THE DAY OFF TO GO TO A
        FUNERAL MUST WARN THE FOREMAN ON THE MORNING OF THE MATCH

Sign warning of quicksand:
        QUICKSAND.  ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED.
        BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL

Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish:
        DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST
        ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO TO THEIR
        BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER

Sign in a chemist's shop:
        WE DISPENSE WITH ACCURACY

Spotted in a garden centre:
        UP THESE STEPS FOR THE SUNKEN GARDEN

Sign on a newly painted bench:
        WET PAINT.  WATCH IT OR WEAR IT

Seen in a watch shop:
        PLEASE WAIT PATIENTLY TO BE SERVED.  I ONLY HAVE TWO HANDS

Notice in the window of a fabric shop:
        REPAIRS AND ALTERATIONS DONE HERE.  DYING ARRANGED

Road sign:
        STEEPLE BUMSTEAD: LEFT 3 MILES
                          RIGHT 3 MILES
                          STRAIGHT AHEAD 3 MILES

Sign outside pet shop:
        NO DOGS ALLOWED

Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
        ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE
        DISPOSED OF

Spotted in a Blackpool guest house:
        HOT AND COLD RUNNING IN ALL ROOMS

Notice in Keighley restaurant:
        FROM MONDAY OUR CATERING ASSISTANTS WILL BE PLEASED TO SERVE
        CUSTOMERS TO THE VEGETABLES

Seen outside a fire station:
        FIRE STATION - NO SMOKING

Notice on Norfolk village shop:
        HALF-DAY CLOSING ALL DAY WEDNESDAY

Sign in London pizza parlour:
        OPEN 24 HOURS - EXCEPT 2 A.M. - 8 A.M.

Seen outside dancing academy:
        PLEASE MIND THE STEPS

Sign on motorway garage:
        PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS.  YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE
        WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS

Notice in health food shop window:
        CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
        ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Circus poster:
        BIFFO BROTHERS' CIRCUS, FEATURING MARVO, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE
        WORLD.  IN TOWN ALL WEAK

Sign outside a church in Hemel Hempstead:
        THE LAST WORLD WAR.  WHERE AND WHEN WILL IT BE FOUGHT?
        ST. MARGARET'S, HARTFORD STREET ON TUESDAY 22ND FEBRUARY
        AT 7:00 P.M.

Seen during a conference:
        FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
        CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Sign in a tea shop:
        TODAY'S SPECIAL.  POT OF TEA WITH STONES AND JAM, L1

Spotted in a golf club:
        GOLFERS PLEASE DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE

Seen in a college:
        THIS WEEK'S LECTURE: UNDERWATER LIFE BY PETER FISH

Notice in hairdresser's window:
        STYLIST WANTED.  GOOD PAY AND FRINGE BENEFITS

Notice in a field:
        THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL
        CHARGES

Sign at the tennis club:
        WOULD SPECTATORS PLEASE BE QUIET BURING MATCHES AND LET THE PLAYERS
        RAISE A RACQUET

Spotted at the railway station:
        PASSENGERS ARE ASKED NOT TO CROSS THE LINES - IT TAKES AGES FOR US
        TO UNCROSS THEM AGAIN

Notice at the zoo:
        CHILDREN FOUND STRAYING WILL BE SENT TO THE LION ENCLOSURE

Message on a leaflet:
        IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

Sign on a repair shop door:
        WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
        DOESN'T WORK)

Sign in office block:
        LIFT OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE ELEVATOR

Traffic sign:
        PARKING RESTRICTED TO 60 MINUTES IN ANY HOUR

Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
        BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST
        LEFT

Notice in church hall:
        ELECTRICAL SPECIALIST WILL BE HERE ON THURSDAY MORNING TO SHOW
        PARISHIONERS HOW TO WIRE PLUGS AND MAKE SMALL REPIARS.  FOLLOWED
        BY A LIGHT LUNCH

Sign spoted in farmyard:
        MANURE FOR SALE.  BRING YOUR OWN BUCKET

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
        TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

Sign in a Japanese hotel:
        SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS

Sign in Swiss hotel:
        DO YOU WISH TO CHANGE IN ZURICH? DO SO AT THE HOTEL BANK!

Sign in Italian hotel:
        DO NOT ADJUST YOR LIGHT HANGER.  IF YOU WISH MORE LIGHT SEE
        MANAGER

Sign in Australian hotel:
        IN CASE OF FIRE PLWASE DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HALL PORTER

Sign in French hotel:
        IN THE EVENT OF FIRE THE VISITOR, AVOIDING PANIC, IS TO WALK DOWN
        THE CORRIDOR TO WARN THE CHAMBERMAID

Sign outside a French cafe:
        PERSONS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO OCCUPY SEATS IN THIS CAFE WITHOUT
        CONSUMING

Sign in Egyptain hotel:
        IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, `ROOM
        SERVICE!'.

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